It was a Friday afternoon; I was driving with two of my friends who were colleagues to a lunch place in Kuala Lumpur. I suddenly told them that I can make a better head of the department. Both laughed, quite hard. I asked why they thought it was funny. The younger friend said that I was difficult. The other friend just rolled his eyes. I persisted to know the reason. The older friend said that persistence was one of the reasons. I knew that this was the end of the conversation. My friends can feel the difficulty in me, and it was difficult to articulate it. Why was I perceived as being difficult. I have explored myself to understand and predict what makes me being perceived as difficult.
Am I difficult?
Cut the chase to present, 10 years later. I have changed jobs. I was talking to my former student who is a post doc in a western country. I told her that I am finding it difficult to interact with people. She explained patiently what I knew was coming. I cut in and said, “Do you think I am difficult?”. She said yes. She said that I don’t follow cultural norms. I asked what they were, the cultural norms. She just huffed and puffed. It was difficult to articulate.
Again, back to KL. I was the head of the programme after I resigned from being head of department. I said in a meeting that the staff were not helping with the success of the programme. It became a big issue almost to me being reported to the HR. All the top guys in the school came together to tell the boss that I was difficult to work with. Didn’t I hear this before? I did a survey among all the staff involved in the programme and got a response that I am normal to work with. I went head high with this objective measure to the boss. He didn’t look at the evidence but gave me the Dale Carnegie book on influencing friends. I was dismissive but respected the person who suggested this book. I read it three times, cover to cover. I got the picture. Meanwhile, I coordinated the successful reaccreditation of the programme through these turbulent times and of course was not credited for it the way I wanted ☹
Am I difficult?
I was talking to my sister the other day, elder by 9 years. I like talking to people as I get a fresh perspective. After a while it becomes boring, and I want to know more. That’s when the devil creeps in through my questions. I asked, do you like talking to me? There was no direct answer. Isn’t it obvious, yes it is? The following questions became very uncomfortable. My purpose was to explore myself but it turned confrontational for a while before I backed off. I did get a new perspective, but not enough.
Am I difficult? No, according to me NO. I will explain myself as Shaun Murphy explains in his show. Shaun cannot understand the emotions of people so makes a checklist. I understand the emotions of people and want to make a checklist. I want to question the customs, not always to challenge, but mostly to understand. It is like a qualitative survey where we go to an in-depth interview. There is more meaning than the customary Hi with no intention of knowing how you are doing. I like the culture where “How are you (Kā iet) ?” is asked if you really want to know about how I am doing. I respect cultural norms and want to understand. I want to explain my actions and others’ actions so I live my life. Have I followed any cultural norms here? I have.
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